I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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