i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
