I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Found the puke drawer
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
