I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This baby is an asshole
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
