I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
