Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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