Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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