Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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