found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
