I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
