I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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