Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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