I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
