I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
