I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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