I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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