The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
