Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
