Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
