please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
