I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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