I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
