wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
