after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
