I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
