I think im going to throw up on grandma
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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