I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
