After last night, I could never be a politician.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
