THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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