May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize