: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
