he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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