no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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