apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
