his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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