that's an acceptable place to lick
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
