so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
