I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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