someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
