my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
