ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She needs sedatives and a leash
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
