I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
