This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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