Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
