I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
