when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
