i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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