Don't you send me to vm
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
