at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
