About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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