I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
