HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
