I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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