me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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