Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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