p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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