If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
