Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
