upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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