my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
