My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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