DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
